Vulnerable

Definition of Vulnerable (adj.)- Susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm. 

But if that’s so...

 Why is Vulnerability the birthplace of LOVE, BELONGING, JOY, EMPATHY, INNOVATION, and CREATIVITY?

 Writing this blog every week is vulnerable. But as I walk through this journey I realize that sharing my story of struggle is necessary to experience joy in my life. In the beginning, when I realized the chances of having a child were slim I felt worthless. I thought: Isn’t bearing children the fundamental reason why women are here on earth? You got to understand, I’m pretty successful at everything I pursue for the most part. I could not control this part of my life. This issue of infertility stared directly at me and pierced my heart and it shamed me for a long time. First it was what’s wrong with me? Then, okay Endometriosis is the issue so what’s the next step. Followed by IVF then realizing that this won’t work to a “small” breakdown. Finally there I was sitting at the dining room table with tears pouring from my face totally raw, exposed and vulnerable. I didn’t know where to turn. My faith was worn down I didn’t feel like anyone could even empathize what I was going through even my husband, Tim. I’m embarrassed to say but I felt that God had abandoned me. I was withering away and truthfully it scared me. As I sat there hopeless and exhausted from crying I felt a presence. It felt like a good friend or parent sitting with me letting me feel and say what I needed to but the best part it never left and it listened. This is the moment I asked out loud, “God, is that you?” Now I’ve always heard of stories like this but they had never happened to me until this moment. Now I didn’t hear a booming voice after that question but I did feel a sense of peace and calmness fill my body and that one day Tim and I would be parents somehow.

 Now if I never was vulnerable I would never have felt the Holy Spirit that night. This blog helps me work through my emotions and puts things in perspective for me. I guess I could have written them in a paper journal but I hope our story will reach hurting couples where they are. I love reading infertility and adoption blogs and I appreciate the transparency in their story because they helped me realize that I am not alone. When I read the bible I am often reminded about how our story is His story. All those bible stories were stories of struggle and vulnerability but once “the characters” embraced vulnerability things changed! Like for instance the story of Thomas doubting the resurrection of Jesus Christ. In John 20: 19-31 Jesus said to Thomas (after all the doubting), "Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe that have not seen and yet believe.” I was faithless and felt abandoned but now I have a sense of peace. Amazing how God is at work in our lives.

 The reason I posted this TED video of Dr. Bene Brown is because she talks honestly about vulnerability, a topic that few have even touched on. This video was viewed more than 12 million times! Kind of tells you there are a few people out there hurting and struggling. Through this journey I often feel vulnerable. Moving, starting a new job, becoming involved in my church and building relationship with new people makes me vulnerable. Infertility, Endometrioses, adoption makes me vulnerable also. But I’m starting to feel like I belong here and I’m honestly feeling joy and love again. I’m starting to pick up my camera and shoot pictures of the beauty around me again.

 I am only human but I choose to believe John 15:5; "Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.”

 Through this journey my LOVE for my Father grows deeper and deeper and it’s because I choose to feel life’s struggles and embrace my vulnerability in this world. I don’t want to miss out on all the joy that’s out there. When those little people come into our life I want to make sure I feel complete and utter JOY!

 As my faith journey continues, I make a constant effort to be still so I can witness the ever present Jesus Christ in all aspects of my life.

Peace be with you!

 Tim and Greta