The place we are in has not come without loss and sadness. Tim
and I always planned on having our own children. We always wanted to see what a Greta and Tim
would make. Probably a chubby cheeked Blondie with blue eyes but who knows.
When I was told the chances of convincing were slim because of my condition it hit
me like a ton of bricks. I heard loud voices in my head: “WHY?! Why me?” There
were thoughts that rolled around in my head that I’m not proud of.
I was talking
to a friend that was told the same by her doctor and I asked her about why I was
so sad and full of so much despair? She said in a calming voice, “Because you
are mourning.” Sounds silly but I was. I was mourning the loss of what I imagined our
child to be like, mourning the loss of my fertility that I believed would never
fail me ETC. I could go on and on…I had to feel those thoughts and feel that
pain. Trust me, I really didn’t want to feel those horrible thoughts and
sadness I just wanted to move on and “BE STRONG”. In reality I knew that true strength
comes from working through issues and problems not dismissing them. I couldn’t escape;
those feelings haunted me in my heart and in my dreams. I had to feel them and
sort through them or I’d become a bitter person I just knew it. Bitter people are
no fun.
I should have turned
to God sooner but I really thought he had left me. He never answered my prayers
of having children or seemed to care. So I started talking with God reluctantly
every night asking “Hello GOD are you there it’s me, Greta. Have you forgotten
about me? I began reading scripture based readings and watching a lot of Super
Soul Sunday on OWN. J
Soon I began to hear GOD again whisper in a quiet voice, “I’ve been here all
along.” I guess I wasn’t really listening. While sorting through all these
feelings we were moving to what seemed like another land. As soon as we got settled I called a couple of
adoption agencies to make appointments but both of them said we lived too far
away. Oh I was sad. We just started to feel like adoption was OUR way to become
parents and then this. “What too far away, but I want to be a Mama? Too far away!?”
I was freaking out. But then I found Bethany and emailed them because I couldn’t
bear to hear a voice tell me no again. I thought typed words would take away
the sting. Luckily they emailed me back the next morning stating they had an orientation
in two weeks and NO we didn’t live too far way. I was so energized! We have
never looked back since.
Just last week I was taking care of more paperwork and crunching
the numbers and freaking out about where the money will come from. But thank
goodness I didn’t dismiss the tiny voice in the middle of the loud annoying voices
that said, “Everything will work out. Will you trust me?” Again, it was my buddy
God just bringing me down to earth. Thank you. He’s got great timing if you just
listen and let him in.
I feel God more than ever in my life. I found him again.
Truthfully I feel that God has used this experience to strengthen my faith in
him. I mean yesterday we became official members of our new church. We are committed
and are involved in a church! I feel that God had led us down this road and has
allowed us to continue through this process. You know it’s not a coincidence
that we are on this journey, He's got a plan. He’s molding us into the parents that
we never thought we would be.
Lift up your eyes. Your heavenly Father waits to bless you in
inconceivable ways to make your life what you never dreamt it could be.—Anne Ortlund
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